A photo reminding me of life before now. I took a bunch of photos in the week before I moved out of the family home. In retrospect, when my husband stopped trying and I knew I was done trying, our marriage had been dying for quite a while. Although when I look back all I can remember is one fateful evening where when told I was crazy and that word or accusation took me by surprise, I knew then and there it was over. The marriage had taken it’s last dying breath in one word. Shortly afterwards he asked me to leave or I said I was leaving, I’m not sure which. It is all a fog until I was searching for keys decided to fling my ring across the kitchen floor. I vaguely remember picking it up and looking at it, before either dropping it or putting it on the counter. Regardless, when I came back in the early hours of the morning I knew I was only coming back to say goodbye. I’m not sure what provoked that outburst from him. I had been drinking, had gone to bed and was asleep when he came into the bedroom. Maybe i said something before going to bed that made him angry. I’m not sure if I will ever really know.
I never really thought we would end our relationship in divorce. Sure, like most couples will in anger over something petty, we did a fair share of of walking out both figuratively and physically. In the past 19 years we had found ways to get back to love, get back to loving each other. I did it my way, going to a counselor once, reading books and posts online all the time and tried new things. The communication is always in the power of the receiver, so with that said, none of that appealed to him. I didn’t speak his language of love and he didn’t speak mine. When we fought, we’d usually pick apart the tone of voice, the way we said things, what examples we used on each other to convey a message that was being transmitted to the others liking. We rarely seemed to communicate effectively. Since we seldom found a common ground to stand on, we quit communicating altogether, just using verbal messages on an as needed basis. The less we talked the less we found we really had in common.
There is a saying my Professor #Michelle Dusseau has repeated: “The depth of grief is a mirror reflection of the love that was deep”
I have had my heart ripped from my chest many times through this relationship, yet the loss of it came crashing down on the eve of our 20th wedding anniversary, about a month after I had moved out of the family home he still shares with our children. There is no denying anyone the fact remains, I still fiercely love him despite the pain we inflicted each other in the final year of our relationship. Yes, we are both responsible for our dying marriage but I will accept and grieve more over my part of its death than his part. The tears in our lifestory will never be repaired yet I am willing to mourn this death, give myself time to heal from the loss of mostly loving the relationship we had together, and find ways to accept and love the person I have always been despite my ignorance and faults of past mistakes.
Change is constant and usually painful when such shifts occur. I know this pain is temporary and I will get through the changes that arise daily. Writing, sharing my grief and finding ways to mend my broken heart is what I will busily do throughout the next year. My books surround me, my friends support me, my co-workers understand, my family is my rock, even those who choose not to be around me right now. My ability to put my feelings on paper cleanses my mind and brings an awareness to my life.
Marianne Williamson states in her book called The Gift of Change:
“In today’s world, to truly make a stand for holiness, for universal love, is in most situations so far from the status quo that you have to decided how much you are willing to compromise your heart in order to get along. The world as we know it is dominated by fear, and some of our major institutions are its unwitting headquarters.” She goes on to say “with every prayer, every act of kindness, and every thought of forgiveness, we are building a wave of love that turns back fear.”
I will not be fearful of the future and all of it’s changes. I will continue to seek forgiveness, ask for forgiveness and try my hardest to seek love in every interaction. Peace be with me and peace be with you. I will always love you.