Of course this is my perspective of his perspective… and that has always, ALWAYS got me misunderstood! I think I know what he thinks, but I don’t! He believed for 20 years that I had one foot out the door. He knew I was a wander-er from the start. He knew I was a free spirit. Yet his expectations… oh yes, that word and meaning have haunted me this week, he expected something different from me than i could give him. That worked the same for me as well. I thought after all those years I’d never truly know his thoughts. We fell into a groove of existence I thought. We had a stale mate of sorts going sexually. That should have been a red flag in front of a charging bull. I should have known. In my mind I had tried counseling, self help books and tapes and… then there were friends and family. All his family of course. By this time I only had the connection to one aunt that lived a hundred miles away. I only visited her by myself. Every six months in the last three years. The night I drank a bottle of wine and watched TV then went to bed, he came into the bedroom and called me crazy. I’m still not sure why. Yes, I was drunk. I don’t remember saying much, if anything. The all night TV watching was his thing not mine, so I really was there to be somewhat available. Not really. I suppose if I were on that other end and had let non communication divide us, perhaps seeing him get drunk and go off to bed might have made me feel crazy. If I were to look at it from his perspective my next actions would have confirmed that statement. He yelled “You are crazy!” and I woke up from my alcohol induced haze confused and angry. And indignant. If anything I am not is crazy. Sure a little loopy at times, DORA – like (Nemo), scattered, unfocused, Pollyanna (Overboard)… geez anything but CRAZY.
From his perspective I would guess he saw I had given up trying to understand him. This in itself for a 20 year long marriage was crazy. I had left him once before, only two years prior. I keep writings online and handmade; he had wanted me back that first time. He had promised to work on saving the marriage. Once I was back not much of anything changed. I tried to be more consistent and less demanding. We fell back into the same old grind.
In closing, in his perspective, I didn’t do enough. Listen to him enough without defending my actions, both in the present and in the past, or doing enough things he asked for and wanted.
Yet, do any of us get what we actually want?
Isn’t that expectations versus realities???
A quote I will leave you with, something I have snagged off of facebook and have no idea who the author is:” Expectation is the root of all unhappiness”. Yes it is.