I don’t remember taking this picture. I kind of know where it was though.
I got a call from a dear friend this morning. She is coming for a visit. That is ok, I didn’t have much planned today anyway. I thought I’d make myself do a couple hours of school work. Instead by the time she called and said she would visit today it was 10:30am and I had only just finished watching a movie, did my rounds onto my social networking pages and was thinking about taking a bath. With the call and the fact that she could only stay for a few hours to drive the hour plus back home, I did what many people ( I think others would also do) might do, I tidied up the place and took a bath. I had been wanting her to make the 60 mile trip because she hasn’t yet seen the new place since I moved out. I was ‘giddy’ ~ I even think I said that to her~ that she was coming. Thing is, it is now 3pm. Her cell isn’t working and I am wondering if she decided to stay home after all and wondering if she is broken down between here and there. I’m not worried in a sense; she drove to NJ from Florida once with her six children and broke down in another state and made it through with the help of strangers that night. Still, it is the second day I am struggling with unmet expectations. I feel out of sorts since I basically came to a halt with the flow of my last day off work. Having three days off in a row has given me a sense of having a vacation, allowing me to relax in this place for the first time since moving out. I’m beating myself up mentally because I am comparing myself to the person I was in the not so distant past. That person would have stayed on task, doing what needed to be done. This new person going through so many transitions and has a case of “dragging her ass.” Sounds like an Indian name.
I wrote to my aunt this morning before my friend called and told her how I missed those little, seemingly unimportant interactions with my family on a daily basis. I’m feeling like an unanchored boat adrift in the ocean. A needle in a haystack… you have the mental image. I’m not a part of a whole any longer and without a community; a church, a full-time job or even nosy neighbors i have years knowing on some level, I am finding that if I don’t force myself out of the house, I could easily become recluse and depressed beyond my state of adjusting to singledome.
I named this post Wanderlust because I have the desire to just go from place to place only to receive some other human contact. I feel stuck here even though I love it, even though my landlords have been more than kind. She told me today, “We so hope you don’t leave anytime soon!” and he told me a few days ago, “We love having you there!” when telling me that his wife would be here this week to spring clean the upstairs.She even brought me some violets that she grows as a hobby, to have in the home. They want me to stay, hope I’ll stay and I’m forcing myself to make changes, and plan for things that I hope will transpire in the future. Hope for something different, and not to go stagnant by not planning to travel over the summer.
I would have loved to have shared the day with my friend. It doesn’t look like she is coming after all though. I must transition again, resist the urge to get a bottle of wine, come back to an empty home and find my happy place while mending a part of me that is disappointed in all of the expectations I unconsciously set. I seemingly have had many that weren’t met as each night fell. I feel the weight of those unmet wants and needs heavily tonight. I work tomorrow and am off on Saturday; perhaps I’ll feel better after some interaction with co-workers and customers, so my next day off goes better.
Definition for Loneliness: A relational deficient