New day: Day’s #3,4 and 5

I believe I left off on Friday and/or haven’t written on WordPress since then. On Friday I got up and dressed professionally to attend a job fair being held at City Hall. I had scheduled a massage at 10 am, so went to that first. I didn’t have my resume’ tweaked to how I would like it, so i didn’t bring any with me to the job fair. Instead,I went there to observe, talk to and network with companies that appealed to me. Since I am looking into freelance writing work and perhaps freelance work in general, I was able to connect with Kelly Services and a few other places that offer temporary, as needed jobs. I, unfortunately, am struggling to find low cost or free classes on the Mircosoft software. It seems everyone wants you to have extensive experience using Excel spreadsheets or other lesser, in the home used software. I feel pretty proficient in Word and Powerpoint and have the ability to catch on quickly with most things computer related, yet still, do not feel professional enough when using the word proficient in my resume’. How do I not pad my knowledge and not show my insecurities in my abilities? I am wanting an office job, full time, with benefits; something I’ve only had as being self employed years ago. The transition from retail, part time, low paying jobs to what I want is proving to be a daunting task. I would love a company to give me a chance and would love a guide or someone with the confidence and know- how to get me there as my job seeking sage/ mentor!

I decided that perhaps I do not need to leave this area in order to travel. I go back and forth on this like a swing door between the kitchen and dining room of an Italian restaurant. In reality, i can’t afford to stay here if I can’t secure a fulltime job with benefits by June 1st. I have to really think about having to move into a family home, one that is across the state on the west coast of Florida. This thought pains me; I will be hours away from my children, not minutes. My son still won’t communicate with me, but I see my daughter at least once a week. 

Yesterday, Saturday, I woke up and the day started out pretty good. I had been productive during the week, getting much needed cleaning done and re-arranged some things to make the items in the house flow. I worked on the structure of an APA research paper that is due in April with my Human Relation communications class. I started to need to move, so decided on a walk; this was about 8am. The walk produced reflections and as I thought about signing the divorce papers this week I decided I needed and/or wanted to talk to my husband before doing so. A final talk before the papers were finalized. Cutting ties with a long term relationship as been so hard on me. I never realized the emotional toll would be so costly. By the time I got back from my walk, my husband and I have a tentative meeting for tomorrow evening. I was in tears again and thought, I needed to get out and socialize with people. 

There was a lake clean-up in the town down the street, so I headed out to volunteer with that function. I met a few people and since it was the ultimate beautiful day in Florida, just enjoyed the semi-solitude of being with people in a common goal activity. A guy attaches himself to me after a while. He is about 10 years older than me, told me early on in the conversation that he has money, was separated, and would I like to go out sometime? Breakfast, lunch, the circus tonight? OK, I did have plans for the day but not for the evening. The circus sounded like something so out of my element it was intriguing. I hadn’t thought about going to a circus since my kids were small. 

As the day went on, I experienced new things as well. I had gone to a friends house to see what progress they were making on the fixer- upper they bought, after the volunteering was finished.  Through that impulse, we caught up with eachother and they ended up coming to my house for lunch. I don’t have a kitchen table yet so we ate outside in the church yard next door to my house on a concrete table. The weather was perfect and the heat of the day still bearable. Through the interaction they told me they had a dining table, no great shakes they kept saying, but still usable, they would give me. I am smiling ear to ear. It isn’t what I imagined as much as what I wanted, but if i am to move from this place in June then having this free table is perfect for now. I can invite people over more often and feel like this space is more like a home. It amazes me that something so taken for granted is so missed when not there. I think I could do without … well, let’s just say, I have missed having a dining table. 

By 3pm it was obvious my previous plans for a lunch date with my thrift store hugger wasn’t going to happen. He had asked me to go for a walk with  him this weekend, we worked it out that perhaps a late lunch or early dinner was possible. I hadn’t heard from him since Tuesday so i was curious what had happened that he didn’t call. He ended up having to work and either forgot about our plans or forgot where he had put my number.

At 3:30pm my classmate came over to video my section of our Life Story presentation. As a group we are to meld our individual life story’s into one presentation that incorporates video and/or other technology. Since my life story had to do with :

1. Writing and making a living of of it while

2. Traveling and incorporating and keeping in close contact with

3. Children and grandchildren and living long into my 90’s

I was able to reminisce with her in a happy way, all the good times I have had with my husband and children. How I missed being a wife/partner this week with Bike Week and something we did enjoy as a couple, riding the motorbike to events. I got out my kids photos and she cooed over them and I smiled with love and pride. My kids no matter what are the joy of my life. If anything, I can hold onto those good times and know I loved them through and through and continue to love them fiercely even though the last few years have had so much strife. I can’t make my son communicate with me but that doesn’t mean I won’t continue to try to keep that door open. 

Circus man calls me and says are you still interested in going? Sure, why not I reply. He doesn’t seem that … well, without sounding like he was a creep, he was sending me alot of red do not cross flags already. I went and had a fairly good time. Needless to say though, I will not be going out with this guy again. There were too many things both non verbal and verbal that creeped me out. Well, the church service starts in 30 minutes. I ought to get in the shower and get the day started. Today is filled with an hour of church and 8 hours of working; my only full day of the week.

I am looking towards the future with anticipation and an excitement of adventure. May you all feel this sometime in your life as you create a new beginning for yourself as life changes take place. Things and circumstances do not define who you are.  You define yourself as you take control of your destiny. Mistakes, wrong decisions, taking a path you need to back track on, is all a part of personal growth and life long learning experiences. Keep an open mind and a open heart. Accept people as they are without judgement but realize when a person or situation is toxic and stand up for your self when you know you ought to. Noone can control you; I am the captain of my destiny.Image


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