Learning the Loneliness Language

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I took this picture on my first Daytona Bike Week, alone. This is a tribute to 32 years together and as I read on, she passed and he is alone. He decorated this location with 32 orchids to mark their union together and signs it “Your Loving and lonely husband”. I have never felt so alone in my life. Perhaps briefly between the breakup of my first marriage and the hook-up of my 2nd husband; well, in all honesty that just took a mere month or two. I knew my 2nd husband, the one I am grieving over currently, several years before we actually let desire, then love take hold of us. I’ve written before that I am expecting  my inner self keeps the one year agreement of celibacy and not fuck the first man or woman that hooks me to them. I’ve had a few men approach me, none acceptable, yet one a possible. Still, I want to hold out. This I realized today, I have never- ever done before. For me, none of my prior relationships, even the marriage I had for twenty years, started the ‘right’ way. None had a courtship and sex often occurred within weeks of meeting someone, if not the same day. Funny thing is, I am not some horny woman! I find I attract emotionally challenging people, then wonder how I got to be with someone who was carrying around so many emotional issues. Then I wonder and sometimes speak out loud, what is it in me that is attracted to someone who is struggling internally? Do I struggle internally? I do remember as a teenager and younger child how shy I was. Yet as an adult all I want to talk about is how we both process our emotions. Sure, I know men in general don’t want to get to the core of their struggles. They keep it all bottled up inside an iron clad box as if letting down the door will reveal something unworthy or … god forbid, release tears in an intimate setting where tears and deeper thoughts are more than welcome.

I want a year of no physical or mental relationships; still my ego craves that attention. I find a part of me seeks out people who are lonely in some way, like me. I cling to them as if they alone can save me from my demons. My more practical side says, hey girly, hold up! If you do this again, OMG, what do expect will happen?? I KNOW I need to stay away from any other relationships and yet encourage their existence.  Some of you or all of you might agree, then there are others who say aren’t you weak!For all accounts, I am transparent with my celibacy goal. I say up front, don’t expect anything other than a friendship in the next year. I do my best not to play this game, yet find at every opportunity I seek a connection deeper than a friendship, always aware but driven to do it anyway. Is it an innate force of procreation or just a innate need to not be alone?  How many of you struggle with this as well? How many of you can say you have succeeded after so many failures?

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