Liberate your inner awesome. That is exactly what is happening to me this week. Sure, in our system of time, today is Monday. Yet, for the last 4 to 5 days I have been experiencing an internal transformation. Every time I share a hidden piece of myself to someone else through writing or verbalization, I get the feeling of being strong, alive and vibrant. My self worth and self esteem is coming back in dribbles, yet each well received thought is guiding me to intellectual and spiritual growth.
At first these new emotions confused me. Then, a day or two ago, I wrote down exactly what I am looking for. This mainly has to do with approaching, prospective, suitors, however I realized this could be an outline of sorts or a beginning to my personal growth. Instead of the path being cluttered with experiences of the past, I can wipe the negative aspects away with every new and improved desire for the future. This has provided the light and has allowed me to see mentally where I want to go.
As for the two prospective suitors, I have hand written letters of explanation. I do not want to change these men, however if they expect me to enter a relationship with them, it has to be more than a physical attraction, and that they have to be willing to wait for until February 20, 2014 anyway.
To paraphrase I will use a bullet list of what I am willing to do and expect them to do:
What I am willing to change (not limited to) for a better relationship:
1. I will start taking care of my physical self. This means seeking help if and when needed to completely stop drinking. I am an alcoholic. Saying this out loud to everyone is my first step to recovery. Becoming physically fit and eating healthier for life is also on tap.
2. I will consider a relationship with someone only if that person is willing:
* Not to drink or encourage me to drink even socially
* Strives to be physically fit and eat healthier not for me, but for themselves
* Understands I can not fix them and they can not fix me, we have to fix ourselves. With that said, this other person has to be actively finding his or her own self worth without my encouragement. Personal growth is a solitary endeavour and should not be attached to the presence of another.
* The ideal partner should also be a intellectual thinker, not so much scholarly but in sync with their spiritual and emotional self enough to comfortably share with me and that I can comfortably share with them. My love language is quality time. Although I do not feel love languages need to be compatible, they do need to be understood. Spending meaningful time with me, not in front of the TV, but hand in hand in a quiet setting where we have room to freely share thoughts and dreams is all I need. I will listen to you if I know you are actively listening to me.
I wish you well on your journey to becoming your vibrant self. Please feel free to celebrate with me as I find my way to my own personal greatness.