Quote from Liar Liar:
Guy in the Washroom: What the hell are you doing?
Fletcher: I’m kicking my ass! Do you mind?
You would think that knowing my thoughts turn my soul into my own worst enemy, I’d know the signs well before I get to kick my own ass. I mean, the mental barrage of torment can only be inflicted by myself. I don’t need anyone’s outside help.
Still, I am not alone in this. I see my fellow human’s go through the same struggle daily. Even if the person seems shallow and has a mind filled with rocks, they to must commit the same crimes of the soul as I do with internal negative thoughts. Lately, the transgressions my ex-husband inflicts on our children and his family is deplorable. I told my adult daughter this morning I feel like I purposely placed blinders on my eyes for twenty years! I told my bff this morning, “what did I do for all these years, look the other way? Lie to myself therefore making him look good? Who is this person I thought I knew?” He is taking this new single status to new lows by focusing only on his thoughts, desires and current situation. I always took that emotional neglect from him thinking I was saving others from the same thing. Why did I not see he treats EVERYONE that way?? I am physically sick with disgust with my own passive behavior. I allowed a lot of this to transpire. Sure, when I left he had the kids hating my guts. A mere six months later he is showing them it wasn’t me after all. Still, as it stands, he is digging his own grave and my kids both see it, the train wreck of a father they thought they once knew so well. I couldn’t have saved anyone from this heartache. They had to see it for themselves. I feel guilty for them seeing it wasn’t me, I had to leave to save myself. I had to grab the oxygen mask in order to be strong enough to apply a mask to them. In the process I hope I can maintain a strong, supportive persona while I internally kick my ass. Why wasn’t I brave enough to leave when the kids were younger? Saved them from this heartache? Honestly though, had a change in the wind pattern from the butterfly wings movement, how would I really have known what was the right decision at the time? To stay or go when for over a decade I knew about the damage being done? I have no regrets, yet I regret it all, save the love made that created my children and the bond stronger than blood I now have with his family.
I officially will stop kicking my ass now.