The Deepest Hurt

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I was told this morning by a phone call that I could not attend a family gathering today, one that I was expected to be at, because it is his biological family and if I were there he would leave. Yesterday was his birthday and today his brother is doing a cookout and family gathering for that honor. It is my day off and unbeknownst to me until the phone call, the gathering of family was just that and nothing to do with his birthday yesterday.

I am heartbroken. I am heartbroken because he has placed his family and our children and mutual life long friends in a ‘choose between us’ situation. I am hurt that he put his mother who is 83 years old in a position to have to call me this morning and tell me he told his family last night if I am there and he sees me, he won’t stay. We were married 20 years. I knew him years before getting married to him. I have taken his family as my own and they have taken me as their daughter/ sister. This is the deepest hurt. It places them in a horrible situation. Through his self- centered attitude he has tainted the day for at least a dozen people, possibly more if the truth is set loose at today’s event. I’ve tried my best to keep him with love in my heart; we divorced but amicably and the last hate -filled angry argument between us was long ago. I have been kind to him throughout the whole separation and divorce. We have to see each other and talk to each other as our children still need both parents and as parents we have to confer about matters that will be tied to us both for a lifetime. In his mind, he feels he can erase me. I’ve been told it is easier for him to make me the enemy.

I have developed a pretty thick skin but this today has torn my heart to shreds, all the while knowing he would do something to make this day turn for his benefit. It is wrong that his mother felt she had to choose between us. He should have told me himself saving her from this heartache. I am ashamed of him. In my eyes today he is lower than a snakes belly. He is being self – centered and uncaring of anyone else’s feelings. He is being cruel.

I am moving on. Don’t get me wrong. Everyday I am becoming a better person, caring, compassionate, loving. Everyone sees that of me and knows that of me. I can’t fake being upset and hurt and angry about loosing the opportunity to be with my family though, any more than I can fake being the true being I am.

Synonyms of Cruel:

1. bloodthirsty, ferocious, merciless, relentless. Cruel, pitiless, ruthless, brutal, savage imply readiness to cause pain to others. Cruel implies willingness to cause pain, and indifference to suffering: a cruel stepfather. Pitiless adds the idea of refusal to show compassion: pitiless to captives. Ruthless implies cruelty and unscrupulousness, letting nothing stand in one’s way: ruthless greed. Brutal implies cruelty that takes the form of physical violence: a brutal master. Savage suggests fierceness and brutality: savage battles.

 

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