I wonder about the significance as I am an over- thinker prone to dissect things until they are no longer recognizable. The picture above is Spirit Pond before some well meaning citizens of this camp decided to mow the thing. Now a naked depression in the earth like a shallow bowl, it lacks the ground cover to hide fowl and deer. It took me weeks after the buzz cut to trample down to the pond. The “pond”, like so many around here have dried up. The camp and others in the nearby community of Lake Helen http://www.beacononlinenews.com/news/daily/5747 are trying to find out why, since the ensuing drought shouldn’t have caused this much damage.
Well, I regress. Back to things that found me. I had Saturday off. It started out well and good but then … I started experiencing some weird situations. Maybe this community is rubbing off on me. The first thing that found me was a over whelming sense of dread. I shouldn’t feel this way. There was nothing to make me feel this way. I’ve been working my way out of that deep pit of despair, and damn it, I am almost out! Then anxiety… but I did what any normal human would do, dismiss the thought associated with them both about getting a few bottles of wine and drown the emotions; I went to work. I cleaned my little abode top to bottom. I noticed the camp’s beautification committee cleaning up the Temple grounds next door, so deciding I needed to be alone with my thoughts, I went out back and weeded around the water meter. That is where a transparent marble found me. I decided to pocket it. I went back to work and the marble jiggled in my pocket most of the afternoon. Yesterday, when leaving the Temple service a nickle in the sand found me. Today while walking around Spirit Pond another marble, this one transparent with a swirl of green inside it, found me. Yesterday at work a ginger chew candy found me. I am having so much fun having objects find me. I can’t wait to see what will find me next!
The remaining Saturday was a bit funky. There were signs- a canceled date to watch the moon rise on the beach happened first. That compounded my uneasy feeling. Still, I planned to go on my own before the offer of company and the subsequent let down and headed out the door. It had been raining on and off that afternoon but the rain had subsided and had reduced to a drizzle. I had taken out $20 pocket mad money. $13 went away fast. I stopped at a road side vendor and bought cherries, plums and cherry tomatoes. Yum. I tried to get lost in the music as I traveled towards New Smyrna and ignore the feelings. I got to Flagler Ave. and once there, the place that found me was packed with bicycles! http://www.meetup.com/AdventuresUnlimitedMeetUpGroup/events/103072622/
People drunk everywhere. It was not what I was expecting. Especially the fall down drunks and beer bottle smashing drunks. I was looking for a peace- filled evening! I didn’t want to have to worry about my car in the parking lot while I hiked down the beach looking for a solitary outpost. The beach didn’t find me. I left and headed home without sticking my toes in the sand. Instead of turning right to go home, I decided to see what going left would lead me to. A French bakery found me! YUM. How DO those French eat such divine deserts and not get heifer sized? I charged $13 and change to my debit card. With $7 cash in my pocket though, I felt rich. After seeing that there was no other beach options, I turned to go home. Once home, hunger found me. I was gifted basil from a friend’s garden, I had cherry tomatoes, garlic and noodles. Dinner found me! My partner – in- evening- bedroom -crimes- had given me a bottle of organic wine in the week. It paired nicely with the pulled together Italian dinner.
The feelings never left me. I wondered why. Bad vibes. So I thought some more, why are they here? This unsettled feeling? I sat on my porch and thought and ate and drank wine and waited for the super moon to rise. I remembered thinking about my ex husband while walking around with the drunks on Flagler Ave. and I wondered if he were on the motorcycle. It was a favorite past time to ride to the beach, park on Flagler Ave. and people watch while having a beer on one of the tavern outdoor porches. His girlfriend is a drinker; I wondered if he stepped up his game in that department by observing her habit. Being alone, I think too much. I draw points from one random thought to another linking them together like kids holding hands before playing the childhood game, “Ring Around the Rosy”. I went to bed that night eager to sleep away the day. I wondered about the significance of the feelings that found me. There still seemed to be no apparent reason for them. Having those fight or flight feelings for a day had made me feel quite tired. Sleep found me.
Sunday morning I rose without any accompanying feelings. Whew, glad that was over! I was still perplexed by the fierceness of them. I try not to get so caught up in my own emotions, it seems I have a hard enough time dealing with other peoples emotions than my own. I am quite emphatic I feel, so I wondered if for some reason I was picking up emotions someone else might have harbored. I receive a phone call from my daughter that morning. My ex husband and his girlfriend had been out all day on the motorbike. They were leaving a drinking hole near home when a car hit them from behind. From all accounts they should not be walking around today. But they are and save being banged up and sore, he has no broken bones or serious injuries. Sunday night I wondered about the thought I had on the previous day , about him, the feelings that stayed with me until sleep and the experiences of being in the middle of a crowd of drunken partakers. Was I somehow connected to the event that was taking place that night? Not in that I had a conscious hand in anything, but did my subconscious mind realize that something was going to happen?
I am trying to get back to my intuition. The one I put down in the last few years of our marriage. The one that screamed things aren’t right between us, but my mind just couldn’t grasp the right information to fix it. Maybe there was no fixing it. A relationship has to have both people working hard at making it work. One person can’t and shouldn’t do it all. Maybe we are still connected even though he is making it so hard to be connected even in the most hands- off ways. Then again, I could be grasping at straws as I cling to the mountain on the down- side of the divorce that looms in the distance. I am actively letting go, but maybe I am still holding on deep in my soul. It is so hard to detangle from a 20 + year relationship with someone. I obviously do not want to see him hurt, but I wonder if he choosing not to work on himself after our separation, if he is seeing negative experiences more often than not. Like he is bringing these things into his vibration.
Well like I said, I do think too much. Sometimes even too much for my own good. If anything, I have learned a valuable lesson: Not all emotion I feel are directly tied to my situation currently. With that thought, I will close this post.