Being Alone versus Being Lonely

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Today has been a day where I have struggled with loneliness. I am not alone; I live alone. There are times however those two concepts blur in my mind. Without college classes or social outings to distract me, there are days where being alone feels lonely. Today after an appointment I went to the beach. I wasn’t alone, there were hundreds of people there. But I was alone and felt lonely. I wanted someone to share the waves with me, the coolness of the water on hot skin, the red and gold sand that I squished happily through my toes. I wanted someone to witness the guitar playing man next to me whose wife and three grown daughters mingled in and out of the water or for a run to the concession stand for ices.

I left the beach a little sooner than I wanted to; my skin is not happy with too much sun. I left the park bench over looking the ocean after receiving a call from my daughter who updated me miserably about failing one of her final exams. “It’s just too much!” she exclaimed, as she carried on about how hard the last six months have been on her since her dad and I split up. She will be 20 years young next month; time flies when you aren’t looking!

Back home I wasn’t sure what to do if anything at all. I kind of did the latter, nothing at all. Spent a few hours online, sat on my porch, talked to my aunt, tried to watch a movie, debated on whether or not to go to the store. Stir crazy might have fit the state I was in today. There is a saying “Be careful for what you wish for.” I know I have wished for a quieter period in my life. Things got unbelievably busy when we moved to this area 2 years ago. I know I am learning a lesson, one of learning to love the quiet moments in life. They are few in number and although they sometimes make me a bit uncomfortable and lonely for human contact, I need to learn to enjoy them when the opportunity arises.

“You know quite well, deep within you, that there is only a single magic, a single power, a single salvation…and that is called loving. Well then, love your suffering. Do not resist it, do not flee from it. It is only your aversion to it that hurts, nothing else.”
Hermann Hesse, was a German Swiss poet, novelist, and painter.

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