Besitos Mi Amor






I wonder in my day to day life what love actually is. Is it a knowing or a feeling? Is it like when a cat purrs? Is it that warm glow you feel after making love with someone you choose to be with? Is it every one of those things and more? 

I have a fierce motherly love for my children. I would die for them at any given moment. Both kids live with their dad. When I first moved out of the family home and into this apartment I felt as if my heart was being ripped from my chest. I wandered around this apartment like a caged animal. As the months went by and my daughter and I fell into a comfortable pattern of getting together weekly, my son and I just stopped communicating. We eventually made up ( my leaving was hinged on the fact my ex used our son and his teenage reckless desires against me, so there was little to no respect from him when I left) but the silence still continues. I am the one that takes him to various doctor’s appointments, yet the next one for the infectious disease center isn’t until September. It seems unlikely that we will get together before that, unless he needs something from me, like money. He is 17 years old after all. It’s not an excuse; just that it really isn’t fun to hang out and talk to mom right now. I get that.

I have a friendship love for a few tried and true friends that have been with me through many ups and downs. My bff Jen has shared a lot of the ups and downs and the in between’s and the worries. I don’t communicate with a lot of my family, but I would also say my love for even the ones I choose not to associate with is as strong today as it was thirty years ago. My aunt is my rock in the family, without her mutual love and support I would be a huge puddle of tears on the floor each week. 

Then there is romantic love. That love we all seek out and try to hold onto. Sometimes when it is so good, deliciously good, I might refer to someone as my “soul mate”, distinguishing that person from all others in the past and perhaps the future. When someone ‘gets’ me on several different levels, I want to be with them hell or high water! Balancing those overwhelming feelings that are usually associated with oxytocin, can be a challenge and difficult when at nearly a half century young, I am fighting that head over heels feeling of love. Why fight it you ask? For one, I was not expecting to be in love, or feel overwhelming affection for someone at this time. I wanted his love and he gave me so much more. Of course, being greedy in love, I want more of that which makes my soul purr. I love being in love. Loving what is and not caring for all that is lacking because love is the bridge to happiness. 

He isn’t Spanish, yet he replied with “Besitos mi amor” last night, my good night text after spending a few hours with him before we returned to our homes to slumber. Kisses my love. That of course gave me a bunch of warm fuzzies to cuddle with as I drifted off to sleep. I cried a bit last night though, allowing my tears fall onto his warm shoulder. If he noticed me crying he didn’t mention it or question it. In that moment my love for him was making me feel bittersweet. I know life is temporary. I have two wordpress friends that deal with the concept of dying, daily. For most of us death and dying is in reality a physical occurance. The concept that all things, even love through a relationship, to an extent, is temporary. In that moment the tears started that is what I felt. It felt so good but a part of me was grieving because it can be taken away in an instant. 

Today I am foolishly in love. I am in love with what is, not what isn’t, or what might happen. Today for this moment in time, I am in love. Thank you professor for showing me the way.


2 thoughts on “Besitos Mi Amor

  1. Sorry that I have been absent…my heart broke when I read about you being separated from your children. That is a death that I would not be able to sustain. Hugs xox

    • It was hard at first. I felt like I was loosing more than my mind. Thankfully, today I feel ok with the seperation. I think with them both being adults (my son nearly so) I *believe* if I had to leave, this was the best time in their life to do so. They see their dad in a different way, more of the person he is than the one they looked to when I left. I’m no longer the bad parent and while that doesn’t make me happy by any means, it helps me be in the place (mentally) I am now. Which means my heart has found peace in what is. {hugs} to you as well.

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