I have more days off than I know what to do with or AKA under – employed. This is temporary and not necessarily unwanted; in fact, if I were financially solvent then there would be no problem with this fact-oid. Oi… I’m trying hard to be ‘good’. That means even going to the convenience store could be hazardous as my mind rationalizes that $191 MILLION would be awesome if I held the winning ticket tonight after the magical drawing of numbers. Well… honestly that amount could be highly exaggerated, yet any number over the 2-3 digits my account usually holds seems like Zillions in my feeble mind.
I am usually not one to squabble over trival matters like these. Still, the days off would be a lot more to talk about than debating with my higher self if entering said convenience store would rob my account of more than the $2 I need to buy a ticket. I do have $5 in my wallet. Alas, I was going to give that to the church tonight for their services of good cheer and such. Hummm…
Well it is a warm, balmy, breezy Florida day. Partly cloudy with everyone sequestered in their air conditioned dwellings. Very few are doing what I am at this moment, spewing words to others around the globe in as little clothing as publicly allowed for a woman my age, crossed legged with the computer propped on top of them. I don’t use the a/c. My house has every possible window open.
I got up after slumbering fitfully most of the night. Yes, heavy things on mind and an over- active bladder makes ones slumber restless. Worry, fear, and doubt make big monster shadows in my mind. Muscles ached, mind was foggy, eyes felt puffy, like burden- laden clouds fit to release the water they hold. I
needed… oops, wanted coffee and a massage. Instead I went for a walk after drinking my 16 oz. of water, hoping to clear my head and release the toxic bulid-up my muscles seem to have gathered in the night. I showered and forced half way decent clothes on:
as if this look could help me find a part time job somewhere other than the One Stop Bottle Shop in town. I honestly looked like Erin. I could blame this fact on many thangs… yes you detect a twang.
But I regress and I won’t.
I added 5 more applications to pursuing an entry level office position that will make me feel somewhat like I am moving in the ‘right’ direction. To me, the Law of Attraction = Action, if you want something bad enough don’t wait for it to come to you. Action on my part is needed. Hobnobbing and shoulder rubbing and ‘who you know’ are assests when finding a job you really don’t have much experience in doing. I unknowingly thought that I would be married forever and thus raising my kids and doting on them instead of engineering my own masterpiece was what I was here to do. No where ( although thought about sometimes as “The grass must be GREENER”) did I think I’d end up an ex-wife and independent suddenly at 45 years old. If he had been a good man…. giggle. Well, that didn’t happen. I am two years away from earning a bachelor’s degree and a good 5-7 years from earning the master’s degree I want. Should I change those plans? Go to bar-tending school or become a medical encoding specialist because they are both highly in demand jobs? The world is my oyster…
… I’m just wondering which one holds the pearl I’ve had my sights set on? I never thought life would be easy and most days I am up for a good challenge. I am just troubled with knowing what cliff to dive head first off of. I have so many choices, some would lead me away from my dreams and desires. I can think that these choices could be temporary, if I don’t get distracted by pay increases or promises of comfort found in such reliable employment. If I weren’t under employed currently and debating whether or not to spend money on a lottery ticket, these ideas would probably not have gotten the chance to cross my mind. These are definitely the thoughts on a Dog Day of Summer.