Vices

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Mine are alcohol and running away, literally.

I am choosing to write about these vices, because this has been my fight or flight pattern for as long as I can remember and I am tempted to do both because of a grave misunderstanding today that has shaken my soul. Running away, cutting, self harm in my earlier years to alcohol and inner self harm in my adult years. Inner self harm = “I’m not good enough” , “I fucked it up again”, “Stupid girl!”, “When will you learn?” Those demons of self hate and seething.

I have done well to surround myself with positive, uplifting people and thoughts. I surround myself with books that only speak of self nurturing, learning life lessons and the betterment of the soul. I have moved mountains of grief into the abyss of despair and embraced love with wild abandon. A loss of the heart has me wanting to flee tonight. I am at odds, but I know alcohol and inner abuse aren’t the answers to my grief tonight. May you smile for me, for in my journey I am letting go of these two vices. I can and will channel my grief brought on by a misunderstanding concerning matters of the heart into healthy and not so abusive manners. My morning walk/ run will begin tomorrow as soon as the sun rises. An early bedtime tonight will keep me refreshed and ready to work the eight hours I am needed for tomorrow. Both will help me heal my heart once more.

Peace be with you on your journey and may you someday confront your demons before they yet again steal your path to enlightenment. I have cleared my path just a wee bit more tonight and for that I will leave you with a smile.

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