I had a dream… or a feeling, this morning around 4am. That clenching feeling in my solar plexus telling me that my soul is experiencing turmoil. I didn’t care for it; however, as the light of day shines on the problem at hand, I realize it is my baggage. It is a long held feeling I have about myself and that I have inadvertently attached as ‘judgement’ from others. Particularly my mother.
I haven’t talked to my mother in about seven years. Yes, years. I felt her judging me and it became increasingly difficult to keep a relationship with her as overwhelming guilt over not being “good enough” seemed to project from her at weekly interactions we maintained. I chose not the path of the Christian and that alone made me an outcast, at least in my mind. She didn’t really tisk, tisk me everytime I stumbled through life in my 30’s, but I felt it nonetheless. It was what I perceived, not really what she was projecting.
I think I had that ‘dream- feeling’ because I have reached out to her and anticipate a reply of some sort, perhaps in the next week. I realized as I let several hours pass this morning that maybe I am to fault for the misery I mistook as judgement from her. Maybe (and I am thinking this could be the truth) it was only an illusion, fear of being judged for my mistakes, and I really judged her instead.
Well, that is all. I am anticipating a reunion. It will be difficult at first, I know. I initiated it out of necessity, not because I was missing that contact. Since I sent the letter though, I am really thinking contact is what we both need. I wanted to always say I didn’t need it, but I think no matter the outcome perhaps clearing the air and walking away is better than never knowing.