Hidden in Plain Sight – Part Two

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I had a dream… or a feeling, this morning around 4am. That clenching feeling in my solar plexus telling me that my soul is experiencing turmoil. I didn’t care for it; however, as the light of day shines on the problem at hand, I realize it is my baggage. It is a long held feeling I have about myself and that I have inadvertently attached as ‘judgement’ from others. Particularly my mother.

I haven’t talked to my mother in about seven years. Yes, years. I felt her judging me and it became increasingly difficult to keep a relationship with her as overwhelming guilt over not being “good enough” seemed to project from her at weekly interactions we maintained. I chose not the path of the Christian and that alone made me an outcast, at least in my mind. She didn’t really tisk, tisk me everytime I stumbled through life in my 30’s, but I felt it nonetheless. It was what I perceived, not really what she was projecting. 

I think I had that ‘dream- feeling’ because I have reached out to her and anticipate a reply of some sort, perhaps in the next week. I realized as I let several hours pass this morning that maybe I am to fault for the misery I mistook as judgement from her. Maybe (and I am thinking this could be the truth) it was only an illusion, fear of being judged for my mistakes, and I really judged her instead. 

Well, that is all. I am anticipating a reunion. It will be difficult at first, I know. I initiated it out of necessity, not because I was missing that contact. Since I sent the letter though, I am really thinking contact is what we both need. I wanted to always say I didn’t need it, but I think no matter the outcome perhaps clearing the air and walking away is better than never knowing.     

3 thoughts on “Hidden in Plain Sight – Part Two

  1. I am so happy you reached out. I lost my mom when I was 16 and I would give anything to talk to her again. And on the other side, as a mom, I can tell you… we do the best we can. Giving her the benefit of the doubt in that she did all she knew how, can hopefully help heal you. I would be devastated if my daughter felt about me the way you described your mom here. I am requesting a follow up!!! 🙂

    • She called me tonight. It is all good, in that I am not the daughter she wanted, but the daughter she has. It is up to her to accept me the way I am. I am ok with that and her stance. Like she said, “It is what it is” and “call me tomorrow to let me know what happens.” Not the best way to start up from a seven year hiatus, but maybe … we will see in time.

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