What’s Eating at Me?

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June 2009 – 160 lbs

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Not many people know that just a few years ago; I regress, just last year I was overweight but happy, sort of. I have always had a love affair with food, even currently I eat what I want when I want. Still, I regress. These two pictures above are during a time when I thought life was good. It was just before I decided to go to college, just a few years before the fights got bad and my son was arrested and… I went to bed every single night with a bottle in my hand. I managed with life’s ups and down’s and buried any feelings or difficult emotions every night in the bottom of a bottle. I was 41 years old. It was a few years before we moved here and just before the housing market crashed in 2010. My life has changed in a several 360 degree turns since then and I am sure I have exited the wormhole in a brand new environment. 

My life came crashing down August 2012. I became physically ill from a love/ hate relationship with food and alcohol. My 20 year marriage hit the rocks and the boat was sinking fast. I went to doctor after doctor, tests were done. My body was telling them nothing; my soul told me everything. I had to change my ways or die. I doubt if I would have actually died, the human body can endure many physical hardships. Yet I knew if I didn’t let go of some damaging habits in a immediate way, I may not have the best quality of life as I could.

Plus, I knew better! 

I knew better! I knew better! I must repeat that because I was like the heart surgeon who chain smokes between operations. In 2006 and through 2010, I became involved with herbal medicine, an organic community farm, became a Master Gardener and practiced a raw food lifestyle off and on. I eliminated red meat and limited white meats. I cut out caffeine and most alcohol. I got back to exercising and fell in love with yoga daily. It was then though that I lost the Pollyanna blinders from my eyes concerning my marriage. He was miserable with me. We both knew from the start that opposites attract, yet after so many years of butting heads we started behaving like oil and water. We still put on a good front in the face of company, but the kids will tell you behind closed doors and drawn curtains life at home was anything but peaceful.

Today I weigh about 130 lbs. I made changes but kept some that I am still not ready to release. I could do better in that I gave up exercising a few months ago when the bear terrorized this little town. I drink coffee nearly everyday and love expensive butter on saltines. I drink excessively on occasion; however, those occurrences are about as frequent as major American holidays in a year’s time. 

What I have gained from my personal experience and accumulated knowledge about food and alcohol addictions:

1. PERSPECTIVE means everything. If you keep telling yourself you have a issue with food, you will. What you think is what you manifest and I believe this to be true.

2. YOU CAN DO IT! Whatever it is! If you want to loose 5lbs or 100lbs, you have to take action. A reminder: it took YEARS to gain the weight or develop that bad habit. It will take some time to unravel the damage and get back to a healthier lifestyle. It’s not a temporary fix, it is a lifetime commitment.

3. LEAN on FRIENDS! Complain, whine, backslide, cry and gnash your teeth in anger. Shake your fist to the Universe and scream in your pillow “It’s not my fault! It’s not fair!” Just to let you know, there is no one forcing you to finish the food on your plate and your S.O. plate as well. It is your fault. You let life get to you and you tried to bury it. Now you need to get busy and take action. Use friends and family as your support net when you fail to meet your goal or a situation has you running to the nearest crutch. 

4. EXPECTATION is the root of all evil. Be blessed and grateful for the body god-source gave you. If you are a big framed person, but are over weight, drop the expectation of being the size of :

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This didn’t happen overnight and you may not look like this even if you did get down to a healthier weight. Pay attention to the numbers not the mirror. Enjoy the journey, don’t focus on the destination.

5. MEDITATE, BLOG, or JOURNAL – Get out of your head! Many times I felt I was the only looser in the world. I felt I had to be perfect- the best mom, wife, friend. Get that monkey mind under control through mediation. That doesn’t mean that you must become a guru either. I find the best way to slow the mind chatter is lying on my back gazing at the blue sky and paying attention to my breathing. Get creative, find a hobby. I LOVE to create food for others!! I am feeling my best when I can do that, dust off the camera or write. Find what makes your heart sing and do it once a day. 

6. MODERATION is the KEY – If you love pizza don’t cut it out of your life cold turkey! Limit your self to one slice every Friday. Make it a side to a large salad. Then reduce it to every other week. Soon enough, a better habit can be created in less than 3 weeks time, you will wonder, “When was the last time I had pizza?” You can do this with ANYTHING you want to change. Journal your progress on a calendar. Do you want to run a 5k in six months? Formulate a plan to get off the couch and start walking 10 minutes everyday. Soon enough you will stretch those walks out longer, then feeling better one day jog a few blocks. Pretend you are a toddler and learning how to walk for the first time. You are a masterpiece in the making. 

I created this blog post for a particular person who shared his struggle with weight gain last week through a blog post. I hope this post that I promised to write for you has brought you some comfort through immediacy. We all struggle with something in life, so I want to impart with these final thoughts, you are not alone in your journey. None of us are. None of us are alone. With that I will leave you with a smile as I remove the burden temporarily from your shoulders. 

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