The reasons I haven’t been writing… continued…

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Johnny says it so well. I have spent the last few months in conflict; not knowing what to do, but knowing exactly what to do. I gnashed my teeth and shook my fists at the thought of moving on. I looked at it from every possible angle, begged friends and family to help me, got ideas, offers and comfort, but no one could stop the fact that I needed to move away in order to move forward with my life. This is something I had to do for myself; no one could save me from this path. No matter how I fought against this change. I shook my fists towards the sky as if the gods would hear my plea. “NO! I don’t want to move!”

On Sunday I packed my car to the brim with all of my earthly belongings. On Monday I had the furniture donated and removed so I could clean the apartment. On Tuesday I relinquished the keys and said final farewells to my friends and family. Yesterday I came back to my home town to stay with a friend, which is half way to my final destination and 60 miles from my home of the last three years. Today, Thursday I woke, like any other day and gazed at the stars in the early morning sky, wondering now what new adventures behold me. I am on a journey; one that I hope will be the right decision to get me out of a crushing debt as I fund a divorce that I can’t afford not to afford. My final destination will be met tomorrow, on another coast of Florida in a town I have never lived but only visited. I have to find a job next week, continue with college assignments and explore my surroundings. I have to not freak out too much as bills mount and my checking account dwindles. Starting over is never easy, especially moving into an already full home of a family member, who being so generous, is helping me in the only way they know how. Offering a room, a shelter that is free. My heart swells in gratitude as I have been blessed with an outpouring of generosity from every person I know. 

I haven’t been writing, not here or anywhere. In fact, several months ago I stopped writing when I made the decision I had to be dependent on others, at least temporarily. I am 45 years old and I have to be dependent on others while going through this divorce. The mental anguish caused by this decision stopped the flow of things to write about. I didn’t want to share the anguish as it was being experienced.

Today, Thursday, October 3rd, I am hopeful as I look to my future. I will have new experiences and new opportunities, gifts laying on my path. I will start writing again now that I am over this hurdle. As one door closes others open. 

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