This is something that has been on my mind for a while. My adult mind that is. The one that analyzes every waking moment. I know the old cliche’: We are our own worst enemy. There have been times in the last year or so that I have really beat myself up. Even now I can do a good job before I go about changing my thinking, stopping that negative talk. Physical death is real, tangible. Mental roulette is silent and an illusion. An illusion you ask, incredulously? “Girlfriend”, you might say out-loud, “This tortuous death is REAL! I feel it in my gut! My head spins with confusion and fear! My heart aches as if it is being ripped out of my body!” It is a smokescreen. I have figured this out, now I need to practice sorting it out when these emotions threaten to take control of this moment, NOW.
I’m not suggesting to ignore these emotions. I am saying practice the art of detaching from them. For some reason I grew into adulthood perceiving I needed to be the perfect daughter, mother, wife, friend, soul mate, student, teacher. No one taught this to me, it was assumed and I took this notion by the horns. Maybe it was the “She brings home the bacon, fries it up in the pan, and never let’s her man forget he is a man…” or something like that song from the 80’s. I could blame it on June Clever. Anyway, I spent a good portion of the last 20+ years thinking I need to be perfect in everything I do. When I didn’t reach that level I had set in my mind, I drowned my thoughts in a bottle and did some really awful things to my family, some friends and myself in the process.
I was talking to a friend yesterday about our shared past. She is my soul sister and we have known each other for over 15 years. We have celebrated life events and cried buckets of grief over things we have had a hand it, or things that happened beyond our control. Regret is a heavy handed mallet and from time to time it hits us both so hard that it is physically difficult to gasp the air into our lungs. She said I end up in tears when I find the past (paraphrased) slipping into my mind. How awful things were then. She wondered out- loud how to stop these thoughts from controlling her NOW. Forgive yourself I told her. It sounds simple, it sounds reasonable.
I have to keep this in mind when I see my soon to be ex husband in mediation a month from now. He and I haven’t seen each other in over six months and haven’t talked face to face in nearly a year. He is apt to say some things that might put me into that small, worthless role I kept myself in with his help, the last ten years of a 20 year marriage. I am not that person anymore. I left her in the past with those feelings and belief’s I held onto in the past. I have forgiven his role and more importantly, I have forgiven my role. Sure, specific memories will take me by surprise from time to time. And I will forgive that woman again and again and again.
This post is for my friends, known and unknown. Take it easy on yourself today. Live the love vicariously through your soul which is a child of God, the god-source, the universal source. I am creating equanimity within my soul. I hope this post sharing my thoughts creates equanimity within your soul.