I have had a bit of a hard time since Thanksgiving, with my internal dialog. I am fighting the demons of my past with the feelings of present loss. Loss of what was, those jewels of ‘good times’ that I miss so dearly. I am also fighting the ego of identity. For someone who has flipped her life upside down, and sideways too many times in the last year, I am feeling as though I am at the crossroads of coming out the other side. I’ve lost nearly everything I was.
With loss, opens doors and gives room for new things. I can’t remain a victim of my past and change will occur whether I want it or not. I have to feel the pain of growth, make decisions that benefit everyone (they may not see it that way), yet will really benefit me most of all. I have to put on the oxygen mask and save myself in order to save those around me. I have to keep that mindset now and discard that old one of a martyr. Still it hurts. My ego seeks identity as the landscape changes constantly. As I look towards a New Year, in many ways it is a chance to discard what was and embrace what is. What do I want in the next year? Does my reality really hinge on the outcome of the divorce? Should I move back to where I came from, where the family I chose to be my core tribe inhabits, only to feel the sting of not being a part of that family any longer? Should I move away or stay in this town, this haven my aunt and uncle have opened up to me? This doesn’t feel like home. I really haven’t considered it until I was forced to depend on family for shelter. Yet, back there, where I still go to college (online here, face to face there) might be a better choice. Doors a open, it is time to choose soon, the direction I need to go in. I feel like a clown, juggling, maintaining balance, but getting tired of the juggle, which may cause me to loose those balls, scattering them all around. At least they aren’t knives. I see the end soon, and the path still hiding dangers opens up in the distance to an open field of sunflowers dancing in the breeze of a warm Florida afternoon.