I haven’t posted in a while. I really didn’t feel I could write anything of interest except my own chaotic emotional rollercoaster.
I moved on, both physically and mentally. I declare “I am better.”
To bring you up to date, I was married for 20 years and have two adult age children 21 yrs old and 18. I was able to move out of the family home five months after he told me to leave. That was the toughest, most grueling five months I ever endured, until I felt the loneliness of going from four and a close knit extended family, to one and no family. I moved into a 1 bedroom apartment situated next to a church, in a small town of four streets. The nearest traffic light is about 5 miles away. I was able to live independently for 10 months; from January 2013 to October. I did what I could to stay local and near my kids, but in the end, I moved to a city 2.5 hours away and into my aunt and uncle’s home. I had a room, but only took minimal things, giving away or asking friends to hold onto items so when I returned I could retrieve them.
That move away was good and just plain miserable. I had to pour whatever I could in a lawyer; in my case, money well spent. Today I am back in that little town I left and only 5 minutes away from my children. I’ve been here a week. A smaller place, but my own space again. My daughter has been over several times and calls me everyday. My son has been here once and knows where I live… I can only suggest we try to get together. I am so blessed. Yet loneliness is already becoming a problem. At least the emotional roller coaster is gone. I have two weeks until classes start and a few weeks until I know I got the job that will pay better than the one I have now.
If anything, going through a divorce has taught me patience. For that I am grateful. I wasn’t always patient about things before!
I am grateful that I have time to figure out what I want. Distance taught me that. Time away from my children posed other challenges as I made connections in the new city. Towards the end of the divorce and the immediate payout that followed (I am grateful to be knowledgeable enough to make that stretch until I get out of school) I really had to think about if I wanted to come back here. Being so far away only deepened the strain of the relationship I had with my children. I had a wonderful boyfriend and an aunt and uncle who didn’t really want me to leave… in the end, I needed to be back for my kids.
I’m not as upset as some might think. I lived here and know this area, have friends and my kids. I left behind a job I liked (it wasn’t going to make me rich, but I enjoyed working there), family that supported me through my divorce emotionally and financially and my awesome boyfriend. I told him the first time we met, I will be leaving as soon as I can to be with my kids. He knew, I knew, but leaving him was hard. Still, I haven’t cried much. Maybe down the road the tears will flow as I grieve my “losses” — that home I had.
More doors are opening daily. I’ve learned that all things in life are temporary. I know I will own my own home again. I will have a space where my kids and future grandkids can come to. I am looking towards my future with faith my dreams and goals will be fruitful. I am blessed. Change at first is uncomfortable, but the oak seed won’t become a mighty tree unless it cracks it’s shell and pushes through the earth’s crust.
I thought this would be a short introduction, but obviously I had more to say! I am going to working on writing several times a week. I want to get back to why I started this blog, photography, food and soul. Let the journey begin!