The ghosts of years past. They often revisit in smells, in the way light plays over leaves which in some distant land you have triggered a wisp of a memory that you can’t quite remember. Ghosts linger in and out of my days, especially in the hours of solitude that currently engulf my days. At one time in my life, for two decades, I was a full time mom and housewife, continually on the move as I fore-go any of my own thoughts or needs or desires from that of my children and husband. My life was my family and my passion was the work I did day in and out for the three most important people in my world.
The ghosts of the relatively short period of time that thrust me deep into despair happened close to our 20 year marriage anniversary. One child was barely 18 years old and the other was 15.5 years old. Life together had become a chore for my husband and I, the marriage had taken a beating with too many chaos related situations neither of us were well equipped to handle. When life throws massive stones and the relationship was hanging on a thread of a chance, separation through blame and finger pointing occur. Separation and divorce took place and now those ghosts wave in the distance as I today rebuild my existence as a unexpected and unprepared single woman. It has been four years since the initial separation and I am finding that I am in stage five of grief – acceptance.
With the acceptance a ghost from my childhood Sunday school classroom lesson appears, God/Jesus/Christ/The Trinity only gives you what you can handle. I look around me and see I must not be able to handle much as others… I am wonderfully blessed with good health and so are my children. I have a roof over my head and clean water to drink and bathe in. I do not go hungry and have my own transportation to a job I’m learning to treasure. I see the ghosts of my experiences past as my friends, long lost and forgotten, who pay a surprise visit that remind me how far I have come.
I cherish my ghosts, yes my ghosts. Without them I am nothing but an illusion.