There are many places I’d like to see. As I sit in my yellow chair which my dear friend painted for me on a lonely afternoon a year ago, I think about those places and wonder. Wonder if I would really enjoy those places if I couldn’t share them with someone I loved. Am I brave enough to travel alone like I did a year ago, to Atlanta? To go to Mexico or Italy and stay on my own for a month or better to really be immersed in the culture of the area?
If I chose to do that, then I give up what I have here. A stable life with a cat as my companion, a dear man who sees me nearly every evening, a stable job that affords me little after my needs but offers me more as I invest years and provides me retirement funds. I’m at that midpoint in life where I realistically need to focus on those later years, not squander time and money into fleeting nomadic whims.
When I was married, that institution offered me a comfortable quilt of luxury and stability. I look back and wonder how did my husband do it? Provide that in his role? It wasn’t easy I’m sure and often times that feeling I had was a farce, a facade. That Disney- like image where the knight saves the princess by providing the temporary illusion of stability through material wants, like vacations or travel.
Most of my inner conflict comes from such a tug of war- I live and work in a safe area. My adult children are nearby. My mom is an hour away and my aunt and cousins only two hours away. Life is good in so many ultra amazing ways…yet I am dreaming of more. Days off like today, where hours go by and I haven’t done anything but watch a movie and nap on the couch, talk to the cat and clean up a few dishes, I wonder what am I doing with my life? Does it matter if I don’t full fill those travel dreams in this lifetime?