A Hiatis

Sometimes in the daily hustle, we all just need to stop. And Breathe.ImageThat is what I have done the last week. I’ve shelved my writing, journal-ing… my thoughts outside of my head and turned inward. I needed to get quiet in my soul, and muddle around with fears, worries, wonders and grief… I have experienced waves of grief through letting go. A mind map picture of sand or water slipping through my fingers as my hand tries to cup tightly that which I want to hold.

I had a great visit with my adult daughter yesterday. I am so proud of her, the woman she is becoming. I told her of my ever evolving future; I am not making enough money currently to save for rent past June. My aunt has offered a room for me to stay with her family in Clearwater, two hours from where I currently live. This life change, once again so profound in such a short time has me scared of change. I am just now feeling settled into the solitude of living alone. I talk to my inner child and try to reassure her that this change isn’t as profoundly different than any other. I will MISS this place, THIS slice of heaven. I love being HERE. Yet, I knew always I couldn’t stay for long unless something opened up allowing me a better opportunity for work. I have also encouraged the move though… I haven’t been diligent enough to get myself exposed to facilitate such a job opportunity. Part of my negligence is basking in the tiny bit of comfort of the knowing. I know repetition, I know the company that I am currently working for, I know the familiarity of blue collar work life. If anything, having this service/retail job gives me stability in my life where everything else seems to be constantly changing like a kaleidoscope in a child’s hands.  

I am creating my own obstructions… and on purpose, to protect that scared inner child. A poignant reminder this weekend of that concept came to light when I chose to get pretty drunk Saturday and sought company of others, realizing on Sunday that in doing that I chose to block out the thought I wasn’t going to be invited to see my son being baptized. A woman’s intuition is strong, a mother’s intuition is spot on, deadly accurate at times. Yes, mom’s do have an all seeing third eye. I knew on Friday, extracting that information from a post his youth pastor posted – one of my son’s text message to his pastor and then another vague message the same pastor posted directly after the post mentioning my son. From that point on Friday morning ( or evening) to Sunday, I stuck my head deep into the bowels of blindness. My mind shut down that information because knowing I would not be there to see such an important event ( more important to me as I see as an adult the commitment to God in baptism is such a huge step; almost like being born and taking the first breath) because he didn’t want me there.  To compound matters, my daughter chose not to communicate with me all weekend and my now ex-husband who I saw on Saturday as we tied up loose ends on our dying marriage, never spoke a word. Yet they were present. The pain in my soul’s seat I felt Sunday after the event was profound. The anger and contempt I felt were confusing. Do I direct my anger towards my son who didn’t want me there? My daughter or more directly to my husband, who SHOULD know after 20 years of intimacy know how important that was to me? There have been a handful of life events that I, as my kids mother, have not witnessed first hand. I believe in retrospect, I am angry not at the people that kept me from being there, but at the Universe for teaching me an all important lesson of forgiveness. I needed to see that in forgiving myself I can forgive them. I had to step back, re-evaluate, look closer and see what the lesson was. In doing that, I was angry and held contempt about my own failures as a mother, that honestly I wouldn’t be here today, alone, if I had made different choices along the way. Sure, maybe divorced, but not so utterly alone as I have often feel, cut off from the family unit I once belong to.

I have to walk away from my tribe and find in that a new tribe to belong to. I will be alone for a while, drifting until that happens. That in itself is scary to contemplate. I will be stronger in the long run, knowing I will survive, my soul intact, my life view still looking out into the world through rose colored glasses. The blame game stops today. I am in control of my life, my choices, my thoughts and feelings. It is what it is and no more. I cannot and should not try to control the actions, thoughts and feelings of another. That in itself is futile anyway and only brings such an inner conflict that causes me the grief I have often felt in the past. Today I will forgive and take one feeble step outside of my dark corner, unfurl my body from the cocoon and gaze into the brightness of the day. I am more powerful than I have ever known. I am not that scared inner child.

‘Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond imagination. It is our light more than our darkness which scares us. We ask ourselves – who are we to be brilliant, beautiful, talented, and fabulous. But honestly, who are you to not be so?

You are a child of God, small games do not work in this world. For those around us to feel peace, it is not example to make ourselves small. We were born to express the glory of god that lives in us. It is not in some of us, it is in all of us. While we allow our light to shine, we unconsciously give permission for others to do the same. When we liberate ourselves from our own fears, simply our presence may liberate others.’

– Marianne Williamson in Return to Love: Reflections on a Course in Miracles